So this is gonna be a little rant about my younger years. This all took place 5 or 6 years ago, honestly, all this feels like some dream or distant memory now but I’m a believer that it’s nice to take time to recap sometimes and use where we were in the past to gain insight into where we are now and where we may be heading.
At the not so ripe age of 15, I would spend the majority of my time clicking away at keys, playing World of Warcraft and other fantasy games. Building up my strength, my intellect, charisma and so forth in the virtual world and wow… I loved it. Those games gave me a taste of what achievement felt like, what social interaction felt like and even what confidence felt like to some degree, I used to enjoy flying my epic mounts to the starting zones of the games and helping brand new players expand and gain some leeway in the world, unconsciously that’s probably when I had my first taste of what it felt like to help another human being and feel the satisfaction from doing so. But like said this all took place behind a screen! In real life, I was a complete fucking loser and I don’t just mean that as in I was a little unpopular, if anything I have fewer friends now haha. I mean it in the sense that the way I felt about myself, the way I felt about life, the way I felt about anything really was… Meh. Really that’s the best word I can think of to describe it. Meh. Sure I enjoyed my games, eating KFC wings out of cardboard boxes and spending concerning amounts of times lurking Pornhub. But those short term pleasures were really the deepest pleasures I experienced in life overall. It got old fast. Things changed that year when I met a girl. She was great and for whatever reason, she felt the same way about me. She opened me up to a whole different world in the sense that I actually got off my ass and left the house once in a while haha. When I was with her I felt firsthand what it felt like to have a little confidence and sense of direction, I didn’t know where that direction was leading but the feeling of my feet touching the road was enough for me then. But, like I said before I was a thoroughly underdeveloped kid and, to be honest, I don’t really think I knew how to respect my self, let alone her, so not too far down the road that ended. After that, stuff was back to what it was before her for the most part, although I remember my baseline confidence being a little higher after that which was a great thing for little me as it opened me up to new experiences and allowed me to take the first few steps I needed to begin expressing myself, outside of the identity Nathos the Kingslayer that is. Personality began to flow more naturally for me after that, it wasn’t so much me over modelling in my head about what I wanted my personality to look like to other people anymore. The next couple of years were really powerful for me in the sense that I gained interest in some real-life subjects, I took a liking to frequenting the gym and working on my nutrition, started experimenting with new social groups, drugs and alcohol and other teenager things. Around this time I made a handful of new friends and crystallized some of my existing friendships and most importantly starting having some fun in life. Like I mentioned at the begining of this post talking about this stuff now seems like it was eons ago as the majority of my personality and self development has came into place over the last couple of years.
Thanks for reading this little post, it was actually really fun to write. I find it interesting to ponder over how my past experiences shaped my current life so its nice to convert that into words. If you enjoy this kind of stuff, follow the blog, Im always coming up with new ways to bore people. 🙂